As a demisexual myself, I find it’s also important to know there’s a distinction between finding someone aesthetically pleasing, recognizing objective attractiveness, and being personally attracted to a person. For example, I find Tom Holland aesthetically pleasing, I recognize Chris Evans is an objectively attractive man, but I am attracted to my boyfriend. Having these different ways of viewing someone attractive does not invalidate the demisexual experience.
Absolutely! Learning what aesthetic attraction was helped me feel more confident in identifying as demisexual/romantic; my appreciation of certain people’s style and looks didn’t mean I was sexually or romantically attracted to them (which took me a bit to understand).
When I was about 16 I realized that when my friends said they thought boys in bands or on TV were sexy, that meant they wanted to do sexual things with them. Horrified, I went home and took down all my posters of the boys on my walls, because I suddenly realized everyone would think I wanted to do *things* with them, and that was so gross! I didn't even know them! They were just nice for looking at! I also stopped using the word sexy. I have attraction, I can see when someone looks nice, but it doesn't really correlate to a desire for sex. I am married now, happily, but I knew the man who would be my husband for two years and we were already dating before he went from "pleasant to look at" to "someone I wanted to be sexual with."
Your story sounds so alien to my own, at the same time, I can totally understand your reaction to the realisation of how much your own perspective differed from that of your friends. It's also good to hear you have found happiness on your own terms :)
You're story is so interesting! I'm sorry you had that bad experience being so young! Honestly though, aside from your demisexuality, having those boy band posters back then was not meaning you wanted to be sexually devious with the people on those posters. In fact, I think is quite normal. If anything, I think perhaps you're friends were perhaps TOO sexually devious! So much so, that their comments scared you at the time. Well, perhaps this is not the reality, but at least that's how I interpreted it. And what a shame that our society would view being demisexual as "unusual" or "unordinary", as I honestly think that demisexuality is a more true and virtuous sexuality than being sexually attracted to people you don't even know! I should disclaim, I am just a regular heterosexual male, so I cannot comment on what it is like being demisexual. I imagine there are can be societal "cons" (I don't use that term disparagingly) to being demisexual, as it can potentially make you feel different from the people around you. But I would love to hear from your own experience, if you wouldn't mind, miss!
People get so angry when there are labels to describe aspects of human sexuality. The reality is it helps you relate and understand to the people around you who don't behave as you do and helps people feel less alone in their inclinations. I, for one, am so thankful to learn about demisexuality.
Yup, labels are just words and words help us communicate :) Sure, it's sometimes complicated and confusing, especially when it comes to such fuzzy things as identity and feelings, but that's why we have even more words to clarify ^_^
@N C Being afraid that you wont find someone else that feels attraction based on emotional connection is a rather legitimate fear, when your instincts are geared towards finding that one person you can connect fully with. Most people have instincts urging them to get laid. Demis instead have instincts urging them to find a soulmate, seeing sexual intercourse with anyone other than such a soulmate as outlandishly gross.
Yay! Demi visibility! Being demisexual can feel SO complicated sometimes especially when you're naturally inclined to having high libido despite not being sexually attracted to people that often. You also really get to know the difference between physical, sexual, sensual, and romantic attraction, because they're all different!
For guys this actually can lead to abandonment from male social groups. Happened to me at least. For many guys not being horny all the times is weird. I can't tell you how many labels have been attached to me just because I cannot be aroused by some stranger. Tnx a lot for the wonderful video. Now at least I know I don't have some sort of illness.
The real question is why are you discussing how horny you are with your friends? Something purely private and determined by your personal nature. Of course it's different from someone else. Hell are you kids doing?
@@maxim30 , that's the toxic masculinity. There's also healthy masculinity which doesn't make men think they are only acceptable if they behave like emotionless (sex-) robots.
@@MajinSayon ok, here is some help. Stop listening to conventional BS. There is no "toxic masculinity". Everyone thinks shit is new. It's not. There is not a damn thing new here. It's called chauvanism. Not "toxic masculinity". Some even started calling it male chauvanism. Masculinity has shit to do with dominance or degenerate behavior or greed or barbaric behavior. All of these folks are causing more harm than good.
My boyfriend was demisexual. He couldn't find desire to sleep with anyone... But I was one of the people he bonded with... But he was VERY sexually driven in our relationship and his libido was super active.
I think; but I can get wrong; she (or he maybe) want say he's not demisexual anymore and he's become a sex beast. I think he just haven't find what attract him to select a sexual partner with or without (you XD) love.
Not going to lie, the whole notion of celebrity crushes has never made sense to me until right now. After having someone say it out loud it seems so clear why I've never had one but others might. I honestly thought celebrity crushes were just something that was in books and movies
Yes yes yes! I feel this so much. I’ve felt SO WEIRD my whole life when people would ask me about my “celebrity crushes”, because truth be told, I never had any! I’ve never ever felt any sort of attraction to a complete stranger or a celebrity. It’s like, this thing that so many people feel is just missing for me. And that’s okay!!
please forgive me for being intrusive, but do you have a lot of sexual desire, or 'lust' to begin with? do you relieve yourself of this feeling regularly? i ask this for i have a theory that there is a correlation between crush and satisfaction.
tisseen schande no worries about being intrusive, but I don’t feel lust very often. I have to be in a very specific mood to feel any type of way truly haha.
Laurinda15 yes! Every relationship I’ve ever been in has started off as a close friendship...in fact, my long-term boyfriend currently I’ve known since the fourth grade! The idea of online dating or a blind date feels so unnatural to me.
Me! When I learned about this orientation in 2016 I cried and cried because I had finally found something that explains my orientation. I was outed in high school by my sister for kissing a girl, and my mom blow up. I was yelled at, threatened, almost kicked out of the house, taken out of school if I did not insist it was just a stupid stunt. So I re-closeted for 12 years. The main reason it was so hard to defend myself at 16 was because I wasn't sure what I was, was I Ace, was I Bi...I didn't know how to describe what I felt for my friends or the very few people I had crushes on. I didn't understand how people could feel sexual attraction, I thought that switch was just off for me, or wonky. But then I had a crush on a person for 6 years in my 20's and I definitely felt attracted to them sexually, but I didn't bring up the courage to ask them out because I could not tell if this was friend like, or like like, I just didn't accept it or understand it. So I began to ask questions again, and research again and that's when I found Sexplanations. And when I started reading about the ace spectrum, and virginity as a social construct. The sex positive educational content of this youtube channel helped me explore my sexuality again, this time in a safe, well informed, inclusive environment. I am so glad that you did such a good job explaining Demisexuality, Dr Lindsay. Thank you for being curious, and thank you for this channel.
@@SonsOfLorgar they're better now. My older sister came out a few yrs ago and has been with her wife happily for a number of years so I have great role models!
Thank you for addressing this, Dr. Doe! I've seen too many people just say "um, isn't that how everybody works?" when people describe demisexuality. It's nice to have this video as a resource to point people towards.
Exactly! So many people think "Uh... but just because you don't have one might stands doesn't mean you have a different sexuality...???" but they confuse feelings with actions. It's also sadly a common argument used in the ace discourse (which I recommend not to visit if you haven't already, it's toxic af)
Who we are is clearly driven by our experiences particularly those very early in our lives, maybe too early to remember. when I was very young I was attracted to somebody physically but she turned out (rapidly) to be be not someone I liked at all, and from that moment on, subconsciously I realised that the emotional fit is more important than the purely physical aspect. So whether that counts as my choice or my nature - you have to decide
I'm aroace and I'm so glad that you're talking about this. Asexuality is rarely talked about and the spectrum even less so so I'm glad this video brings it to light.
I think Ash themself made a great video on this sort of thing. Some people feel empowered by labels. Some prefer a lack of labels. Everyone is different.
When I first heard about demisexuality (about seven years ago), I didn't want to use that label. I just didn't see the need to label myself. It's only in the last year that I've started saying "demisexual" to refer to myself, and only because other labels (straight, bi, asexual) didn't feel right. Whether you choose to use a label or not is totally up to you. It may change over time, or may not. Do whatever feels right to you!
I feel the same way. I fit into being a demisexual, but I feel kind of uncomfortable with labeling myself. I also feel that if I use the word, people might look at me different.
I love it when you feature people from the communities you are talking about - you explain things very clearly, but these voices of lived experience help to put it into context!
You are definitely not wrong, and I believe you. I am sorry that you have had people invalidate your own experiences. I hope that you have/will have people in your life who believe and accept you.
Catch me crying because an educator I look up to just said words that I didn’t think anybody besides myself knew to describe part of my experience in my life. Sincerely, a demiromantic asexual.
OMG! I'm so happy you made a video about this! I'm gonna bookmark it on my phone so I can send it to people instead of having to explain myself every time I meet someone new. Yay!!!
Omg! A video about me!! So cool, thanks so much for making it :)) it took me a long time to figure out why I felt this way and then even accept it once I learned the term!! I know this would've helped me and I'm glad it'll be out there for other ppl. Yay!
I've never felt attraction to strangers, never had a crush. I don't really understand people how people can get horny over someone they don't know... Sure, I might find see aesthetic features that pleases me, but it doesn't equal I want sex them. I'm being told I'm "pure" for wanting to be in a relationship only with someone I feel a strong bond with. But the more I search into the subject, the more I find myself thinking I might really be demisexual and not just shy or inexperienced. Thank you for this video !
As someone who has experienced sexual assault and trauma, feeling safe with a person is imperative to me having consensual and enjoyable sex. I started identifying as demi to clarify with myself and with others my experience of attraction. I still think people are cute and crave physical intimacy, but don't feel comfortable engaging until I have formed a strong bond and developed trust. Thank you for always being open minded and acknowledging that attraction is a spectrum, not a point on a map.
I totally get it. Sexual attraction started "late" in life for me, but I clearly remember falling in love with someone (even pictured a happy marriage) and 'sexual' attraction not being there. It's hard for most people to understand, but totally real. I'm loving this channel. Great work 🙌
I figured this out in my 30’s after the end of my one and only relationship and it was such a relief! I do want a relationship in the future and my sex drive is normal (actually a bit high for my ex) but I hardly ever feel attraction, and almost never for someone I don’t know well. I honestly thought I was broken and would be forever alone. But turns out I just need a bit more time and understanding. 💜
My God!! You've discovered me!!! I'm a demiromantic! I'd rather be alone than in a partial relationship! I need emotional bonding before sex. I'm 68 years old and find women in my age bracket want sex with too little attachment. Their fears of being stuck with a ageing male seem to be the greatest holdup.
Happy to see this video! I've been pondering for the last few years if demisexual is a label that I could apply to me. For most of my life I've been wondering if I'm bi/pan, and one of the things that makes that really hard to find out is people ask, "Well, do you get crushes on girls and guys?" And the answer is, "I don't really get crushes on most people!" I start to become attracted to someone pretty much only if I think it's extremely likely that we could become in a relationship - like, we've become friends and the other person has hinted or expressed interest in adding romance. Mostly I just leave myself unlabelled (and currently happily engaged and monogamous!), but I did get a sense of relief when I realized that "demi bi" potentially fits me pretty well.
Thank you so much for making this video. I’ve been insecure about it for a while since a lot of my close friends are more sexual, but it feels great to be validated through this video and through the term that makes it easy to understand for others - and that it’s not a choice.
I knew a LONG time ago I was this way. This girl I kinda knew from a previous job and I went out to get drinks one night. We went back to her place and we started having sex. And I just could not get into it. This girl was pretty good looking but I just felt like I was playing a role. That visceral lust thing has just never been something of any value to me. I don’t want the person I’m intimate with to be some mere disposable one night stand thing and I would NEVER want to be seen as that in kind. I want that person to be my safe place to fall. To let my guard down and fully be myself with all of my vulnerabilities on full display. When you have the person you love laying next to you and they look into your eyes in a way that only your soul understands, that’s the only thing that has ever done it for me. And in many ways, I’m extraordinarily grateful for that.
Does anyone else totally not get one night stands? My friends casually hookup with people like it's normal, but I seriously can't wrap my head around it. (Not slut shaming. Consenting adults can do whatever they want.)
dangerouslysafe The idea of it horrifies me. Others can do it, but I would rather sleep on a bed of iron nails for the rest of my life. I don't understand how you can be turned on why a stranger.
My boyfriend and I are demisexual! It's funny, because I didn't previously identify as acespec, but in the process of helping him figure out his own place on the ace spectrum, through doing research on demisexuality, I ended up resonating with it too, so we both ended up coming out to each other as demi xD
i'm so happy this video finally got made, i've been waiting for lindsey to talk about my community at length! I immediately shared this with my partner who is also demi and we both just felt so validated! thank you lindsey!
Yup, it's more like the difference between a fulminate (explodes if you look at it funny) And a fusion bomb (is basically inert until initiated by a fission reaction that in turn needs a two-stage conventional bomb to initiate it's own chain reaction) (I'm more like a stable primary explosive myself, I get easily interested in almost anyone, but require social interaction to find out if my picture of those I'm interested in was accurate and/or if their true selves are still/more/uninteresting for any kind of continuation)
Thank you for this video. Over the past year, I've realized that heterosexual did not feel right to describe myself, but asexual didn't seem correct either. I have experienced sexual attraction, but not in the way other people describe. I've never been sexually attracted to someone when I first meet them/see a picture/etc. It took me YEARS to realize that the way I experience sexual attraction is not what society considers "normal". When I felt sexual attracted to someone for the first time, I thought "OH! That's what everyone means! I get it now!" In addition, gender doesn't seem to matter; I could see myself being attracted to any gender, but only if there's an emotional connection first. For me, that's why demisexual fits better than hetero, gay, or bi. I understand why some people question the need for all these different labels, but when none of the existing labels fit or feel right, sometimes you just have to make your own labels.
For me personality is something central to my interest in the person. You can be beautiful and have a spectacular body, but it is the personality, the essence of the person, that makes the difference.
Yay!! Thank you for this!! So nice to see demisexuality getting more visibility!!! It really helped me when a friend introduced me to this orientation a few years ago so I could finally understand the differences between me and other people!
Dr. Doe does it again by informing the public what so many of us need expressed privately. I identify as demisexual and have Dr. Doe to thank for knowing that there is such a sexuality;. My labido is not switched off; it's simply very specific.
i'm incredibly appreciative of the fact that you included the difference between demisexuality and choosing not to have sex until you're in a relationship. my preferences are the latter, but i always thought that was considered demi, and now i know that's not it. thanks lindsay!!!
Personally, I don't like the idea of labeling things. It's a double edged sword that brings topics to into the open but also groups people into categories. With that disclaimer said, this does seam to fill a hole in my thinking that I'm glad exists. I know I and a few friends who would fit into this category. The strange and annoying thing to me is that this is the sexuality that society expects of woman but as a man, I've been missinturpreted as asexual if I ever tell someone that I just don't want to have sex with them. Thx for the video. As you can tell, it's probably one of my favorites.
I understand what you mean, but I find that people easily forget that categories don't objectively exist on their own - they are tools that we create for our own organization and convenience. So if a category stops being useful to you, you can always invent or adopt a new one, or none.
Demisexuality is a bullshit term that describes what I've always called "normal". Sure, some other people fall into the "lack of self-control" / "one-track mind" / "sex-crazed" spectrum. But that's their problem.
wow i didnt know there was a word to express what i feel... i always ran into problems in dating and even committed long term relationships bc it’s very rare for me to feel sexual attraction to someone... and it takes a lot a lot of love and trust and comfort with someone before i feel an inkling of something... and even then, it’s not like once the switch turns on, it stays on. the next few weeks or months, i may not feel sexual attraction to my partner at all... it’s kind of frustrating bc partners have a lot of expectations, especially after youve expressed sexual attraction once, they expect it for all future situations... and i always felt left out of friend chats when they talked about who was hot in class or who wanted to hook up with whom bc i couldnt fundamentally relate to those topics... i dont even see people as attractive or not until ive formed a really deep bond with them and they provoke me by asking me to form an opinion of their attractiveness... otherwise, i could be talking to a man or woman or a highly intelligent machine. it’s the same neutral feeling to me... i didnt know that there’s a word that can summarize this experience
Thank you for this! I and maybe my partner are both grey-ace and pansexual. I'm demi, and they're... somewhere in the gray zone. They're not exactly sure where. But there's so little talk about people like us; we're expected to be either "good asexuals" or allosexual, but it's not a binary!
Our world is so diverse and wild! That experience is so incredibly opposite to my own that I wouldn't have even really considered it without being educated about it.
Wow. I never thought about it this way. I have never been able to explain why other people get aroused about celebrities. Or in the workplace. Or in a whole host of situations where one's libido doesn't apply. Thank you Dr. Doe, I think I learned something about myself today. By the by, your hair is extra cute in this video.
Gosh, I feel accepted. People say lables are dumb and I kid of agree and if we could do without them that would be great, but in this world we need terms to sumarized what we are talking about and to adress stuff. It's just great to know (even though I knew but maybe didn't fully believe it) that I'm normal and further more, that I can be whatever I am, no matter what that is, because normal is something we all are and it's not negative. Thank you for this video and for all the content you make in general.
I love that this exists! I don't talk about the intricacies of my sexuality often because I'm a private person, and it's something I prefer to share mainly with people for whom it is potentially relevant, but it would be nice if, when those conversations do arise, the terminology was recognized and understood. I've spoken with a couple of people who were just completely baffled by what demisexuality is, and how it differs from choosing not to engage in sex with people until certain criteria (x number of months, x amount of trust, etc) are met. It's not a choice, it's just a straight-up lack of sexual attraction to people- even those I can clearly recognize as being "attractive"- unless I personally feel some sort of emotional attachment to them. Once that sexual desire arises, I'm not "prudish" at all- in fact, I love sex! It's just that my desire for sex isn't triggered by things that a lot of people consider "normal" (ie: physical appearance, fluttery feelings of desire upon meeting/seeing someone). 2:44-3:00 is a great description of what the experience of demisexuality is like- thanks so much for making this!
This episode makes me SO HAPPY!! I've been following this channel since the very beginning and no video has reflected me more than this one! Thank you Dr. Doe and all the lovely demi and ace people who made it happen! I didn't have a name for this orientation until I was *35 years old*. I thought I was broken for years, that I was weird for needing an emotional bond before some attractions. I was 10 years old and couldn't relate to my classmates because I didn't understand what they meant when they asked me who I thought the cutest boy in school was. It was so confusing! Thank you for making us more validated and visible!
Im homoromantic demisexual. Its so nice to see people talking about this because its so often overlooked. For so long i thought i was broken or something was wrong with me before i discovered demisexuality. Its nice to feel validated ❤
@N C wow you seem like a lovely person. Internal validation is one thing and its great! Its really important. But sometimes its also nice for others to acknowledge you exist. That you arent invisible or the only one. External validation can be a real turning point especially when first discovering yourself. Seeing other people like you and talking about your experiences isnt a bad thing. Telling people external validation is somehow bad and telling them to "wake the fuck up" is harsh to say the VERY least. Sometimes with lesser known identities or lesser accepted ones, people acknowledging your identity or even just talking about it can lead to internal validation. Especially with young people who are different from people around them,external validation can be extremely important. I wouldnt be so quick to bash it. If you came out of the womb full of internal validation, good for you, but it doesnt come so easily for everyone. Have a bit of respect for individual experiences. Have a little empathy.
Thank you for making this video. I am demi and I didn't know that other people felt the way I did until a year ago when I was 29 and I was doing research to learn more about my partner's transness. I was so happy to learn that I am not the only person who experiences sexual attraction the way I do. I LOVE being demi!!! Thanks for telling the world about us!
Demisexuality is not "diverse". It's a bullshit term that describes what I've always called "normal". Sure, some other people fall into the "lack of self-control" / "one-track mind" / "sex-crazed" spectrum. But that's their problem.
2:24 - 3:06 having standards or not, or having preferences are still things we didn't strictly choose to have. For example, think of musical preferences, did you choose to like the music you enjoy or did you simply like it when you listened to it. Likewise for just about any other thing we commonly think we choose when looked at more deeply we find there was little choice involved. Determinism, free will and their compatibility is a long running debate with no clear conclusion to date. What is clear, however, is that many people think we have more freedom than we likely actually do and thus speaking of sexual orientations as preferences seems to have tainted people's expectations of others.
As a demisexual person, I appreciate this so much and relate with the people who spoke here. A lot of people don't understand what it is or what its like. As you said, it isn't a choice, its who we are as people. We just don't experience that attraction unless the bond is there, or under the right circumstances. For me, I need that bond. And still I may not feel the attraction. Again, thank you! This is amazing!!
THANK U FOR POINTING THIS OUT ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️I found out I was Demi about a year or two ago now whenever someone doesn’t understand I can just send them this vid 🥰🥰🥰🥰
It's nice to see a video like this, because often, as a demisexual, I wonder if my identity is even valid at all, especially within the scope of the LGBTQIA+ community (there are so many people who think that asexuality in general should not be considered a part of the community, especially if the person also identifies as heteroromantic). I know that it helps me to feel less out of place within the community, and it's great to see other people who are like me. Thank you for this video!
Your identity is valid!... coming from someone who thinks it doesn't make much sense^^ There's a huge difference between having concerns and saying an identity isn't "valid", I mean you chose it so it is valid, that's all! Exceptions to this are when it overcomes logic and the real world, like otherkins, certainly not demis, whatever you think of it, otherwise that's being a bigot.
Thank you so much for this. Loved the talk about compound orientations, demiheteroflexiblesexual and demipanromantic so they are very important to me. It took me years to fully accept myself as aspec, and it was only because of compound orientations and the split attraction model.
My demisexual heart nearly fangirl screamed when I saw this in my notifications. Thank you so much for talking about this! ❤️ It’s weird to say, but it’s nice to be acknowledged as a legitimate sexuality and not just labelled as a prude or being scared of sex. 💜🖤
You describe being demi so well! As a demisexual, I have found it very difficult to describe to people how being demi works, because if your not demi it can be a difficult concept to grasp. Thank you very much for making this video!
I'm an ambivert antisocial leaning person with a demisexuality for context. Growing up I've noticed people become increasingly physically attractive when experiencing a strong bond which for me personally is rather difficult to achieve which I always found somewhat odd. Friends might often say things as most guys do like, "check out her ass" or "isn't she hot" and I would simply shrug as people just appeared more like trees when walking through a forest. I'm sure this may stem from a subconscious immense distrust in people from an abundance of cultural dishonesty but could be a many of factors as well. Interesting topic just thought I'd share my experiences, you always make great videos.
Thank you so much. For so long I've felt secluded and invalidated because not many people take Demi as a real sexuality. Seeing a video on it really makes me feel important. So thank you so much Dr Doe. This is something I needed to see amongst dealing with some sexuality problems with my libido with my partner currently. It reminds me that yes I need the emotional connection and yes even if some issues have caused that to disapate slightly lately, I'm still Demi. It reminds me that I need to build back my emotional trust of my partner for him to get the sexual side of the relationship he would like back. Thank you. Thank you.
people thought I was gay because I wasnt interested in making a move on any girl in our groups of friends. I was always sorta friend zoned... because I was always just making friends instead of making moves. I was fine w/ it. I didnt need the strange/awkward relationships and breakups that followed that split my friends into apposing groups. Seemed such a hassle when I could take care of my own "needs" w/ no stress and no hangups and no guilt for not really liking the person or knowing how to really BE attracted to someone else....or show it properly for others to see... IDK but I think its fits. Ive always just said I have a low libido... its simpler than explaining Im a wanker and people are a hassle. glad I found a girl that fits into whatever it is that I am. Didnt think it would happen but it did. glad I wasnt trapped in some relationship I felt forced to be in by pressures that made me miss the opportunity that i found.
For a few years I’ve identified as demisexual, but recently I’d been questioning the ‘label’ as I didn’t feel like it fit quite right. Watching this video really validated me and gave me the vocabulary to describe my very specific patterns of attraction. It’s freeing to be able to claim that as a part of my identity and to be able to use my new knowledge of these orientations to add to my knowledge of myself. Thank you so much Dr. Doe. Watching your videos as well as listening to the Sexplanations podcast has given me so much more awesome information, and always leaves me wanting more.
Thank you for this. It's always good to have material to refer people to when they ask questions and you're not sure you're able to give a correct answer or a well worded one. When I was looking for what label I could fit under, I'd come across demi and I'd found it interesting. Alas, it's not me. It's not like not having a label I could pin on myself is keeping me from living my life or knowing who I am, but it feels nice to have a name to put to something. It makes you feel like you're not alone, because if there's a name, you're not unique. There has to be a bunch of people like you. And you could find them, or read about them, and have a word to give to people that say they're confused about you. This is what I'm seeing in the comments on this video. Relief. Curiosity. Happiness at the recognition. It's pretty cool. So again, thank you. :) PS: still haven't found the word for me. So for now I say I swim in Grey A, for a lack of a more precise term.
I've found the best way to explain it to allosexuals is saying, "Have you ever seen a random stranger on the street and thought 'I could have sex with that person', I have never experienced that." It's a pretty basic way of explaining it but it seems to work for everyone I've discussed this with so far :)
To be honest though, even someone like me who basically ask that silent question to myself about most people within my preferred age span I happen to see, it should be obvious that other people have different mental wiring. That said, I would never impose those thoughts on someone I find interesting by catcalling or any other form of unsolicited and thus rude attempt att drawing attention in public.
I am not demisexual, but it's great to see so many comments from those that are or relate to demisexuality and asexuality. By speaking up at opportunities like this, it helps other people see how truly diverse the world is ("real people commenting?"), and helps remove the historic stigma of inherent traits that that those without those traits (or haven't experienced those situations, thoughts or emotions) aren't yet comfortable with.
Awesome getting clips of people to represent the topic! You should try for that more often! Sometimes people dismiss groups because they haven't met anyone in it or don't believe people like that exist. It's really beneficial!
Wow, this came out right as I started delving into this more! I'd had a hunch I was demi but didn't know too much. This definitely makes me feel more validated.
As a repressed extrovert, I always assumed that when women caught my eye that was equivalent to what my peers referred to as "checking out" and I just had different tastes. But I think now that it's actually my extroversion saying "they're a cool/interesting/different person - make friends!". I never understood celebrity crushes and stereotypically attractive people don't demand a second look from me.
THANK YOU for clarifying that demisexuality is not the same as 'having standards'. A friend once said to me, "I totally get that! like, I'll be hooking up with someone and they do something gross and it's a total turnoff and then I stop hooking up with them." For me, as a demisexual, the hookup, or even the concept of hooking up, does not enter my mind. It does not occur to me in the first place. It's not just 'getting turned off by something.' So thank you for explaining the difference Dr. Doe!
I have fallen down a hole on your channel. I’m learning so much, thank you. Thank you for being open and unapologetic about all of this. This is what everyone needs!!!
You are not alone, there are so many other people out there like us. The Asexuality spectrum is so underrepresented/acknowledged and people just don't really know about it unless they search it out. Hopefully, with videos like this and more ways of spreading information about our community we can keep educating people and becoming more visible.
What's the difference between someone who is demi and someone who just feels social anxiety in potentially sexual/romantic situations, until a large reservoir of trust and emotional connection has been established ?
Frank McManus i would say the difference is that the socially anxious person would still be attracted to the other person for a long time, but be too nervous to act on it before trust is established. Whereas the demisexual person wouldn't be sexually attracted until after the trust is established. The outcome might look the same but it's about when the person started being interested in a relationship not when it actually happened.
@@Atra_Atrox Thanks for the response. I asked the question because of my own experience: a lot of anxiety about relationships together with no interest in one-night stands and the like. Your response makes me realize I'm not even clear what is meant by "sexual attraction" -- it can be something I think about or fantasize about when I'm alone, but it takes a lot of work for it to become something I'm able to act on in the presence of a man or woman (or enby etc. I guess) I might be getting close to. It seems like the definition of "demisexual" has a lot of wiggle room.
Frank McManus That is the beauty of the Ace spectrum. It is complicated. Yes Demi sexuality has “wiggle room” yes there are Demi sexual with anxiety problems. I am one of them. But anxiety problems that interfere with labeto or relationship initiation is not the same as demisexuality.
I am definitely demisexual. I remember the first time I felt sexual attraction was with this guy who I had been friends with for a few months. One night we were talking about some stuff and as the conversation went along the desire to kiss him grew very strong. I didn't because of were we were but it was really intense in a way I had never felt before.
I see many comments on these videos of people who found their word; what really, truly describes them. I'm happy to say, I've found mine! Keep up the great work miss Doe!
I don't know what that is like, but I imagine it wouldn't be bad at all, for example I could probably have a normal conversation with a hot girl I just met without wanting to rip her clothes off and having to constantly restrain myself from staring.
Thank you for putting into words what I felt for years but couldnt make sense of. I never really had crushes-celebrity or otherwise, growing up, and the idea of kissing somebody you literally just met at a bar or nightclub or whatever just didn’t make sense to me, and icked me out if I’m honest
This is so validating! As someone who regularly watches sexplanations and realized I was demi fairly recently, I really appreciate this video. It also gave me tools to help explain demisexuality to others. Also, I had no idea we had a flag... hyped! Thank you!
Yesss it was especially upon me becoming a adult and being frowned at for not EVER just hooking up with people, that I began to realize that I don’t feel the same way as everyone else. So when I learned about Demisexuality everything suddenly made SO MUCH SENSE!!!! Definitely going to finally begin to explain it to my boyfriend. I have always been able to recognize when a guy is physically attractive but I could never imagine myself having sex with a guy I don’t know or have a emotional connection with. I have just never had the desire but I attributed me staying a virgin till college to trauma
I actually found out about demisexuality through Evan Edinger’s video. I have quite a few demisexual friends who I knew before ever finding the term. We thought something was wrong with us because despite really liking a person we weren’t able to engage in a sexual relationship with that person until we felt there was an emotional connection. For me it was almost a dormant feeling until someone tried to kiss me or suggest sex before that emotional bond existed and my body (and mind) just put up natural walls. It was comforting to find a community in my friend circle to share in those experiences and validate those feelings (as some people suggest to just get over it), and also to find one online. Thank you very much Dr. Doe for opening up the conversation for a lot more people, and create something I can share with people when needed. (If you got to the end of this, sorry for that extremely long comment)
As a demisexual myself, I find it’s also important to know there’s a distinction between finding someone aesthetically pleasing, recognizing objective attractiveness, and being personally attracted to a person. For example, I find Tom Holland aesthetically pleasing, I recognize Chris Evans is an objectively attractive man, but I am attracted to my boyfriend.
Having these different ways of viewing someone attractive does not invalidate the demisexual experience.
Absolutely! Learning what aesthetic attraction was helped me feel more confident in identifying as demisexual/romantic; my appreciation of certain people’s style and looks didn’t mean I was sexually or romantically attracted to them (which took me a bit to understand).
Thanks for bringing those points up!
Yes! Thank you!
Stfu
Awesome example 😊
When I was about 16 I realized that when my friends said they thought boys in bands or on TV were sexy, that meant they wanted to do sexual things with them. Horrified, I went home and took down all my posters of the boys on my walls, because I suddenly realized everyone would think I wanted to do *things* with them, and that was so gross! I didn't even know them! They were just nice for looking at! I also stopped using the word sexy. I have attraction, I can see when someone looks nice, but it doesn't really correlate to a desire for sex. I am married now, happily, but I knew the man who would be my husband for two years and we were already dating before he went from "pleasant to look at" to "someone I wanted to be sexual with."
Your story sounds so alien to my own, at the same time, I can totally understand your reaction to the realisation of how much your own perspective differed from that of your friends. It's also good to hear you have found happiness on your own terms :)
You're story is so interesting! I'm sorry you had that bad experience being so young! Honestly though, aside from your demisexuality, having those boy band posters back then was not meaning you wanted to be sexually devious with the people on those posters. In fact, I think is quite normal. If anything, I think perhaps you're friends were perhaps TOO sexually devious! So much so, that their comments scared you at the time.
Well, perhaps this is not the reality, but at least that's how I interpreted it. And what a shame that our society would view being demisexual as "unusual" or "unordinary", as I honestly think that demisexuality is a more true and virtuous sexuality than being sexually attracted to people you don't even know!
I should disclaim, I am just a regular heterosexual male, so I cannot comment on what it is like being demisexual. I imagine there are can be societal "cons" (I don't use that term disparagingly) to being demisexual, as it can potentially make you feel different from the people around you. But I would love to hear from your own experience, if you wouldn't mind, miss!
People get so angry when there are labels to describe aspects of human sexuality. The reality is it helps you relate and understand to the people around you who don't behave as you do and helps people feel less alone in their inclinations. I, for one, am so thankful to learn about demisexuality.
Yup, labels are just words and words help us communicate :)
Sure, it's sometimes complicated and confusing, especially when it comes to such fuzzy things as identity and feelings, but that's why we have even more words to clarify ^_^
I can invent words, too.
It's a fun thing to do.
lockandloadlikehell indeed it is! That's how language evolves ^_^
@@lydiachong1274
Exactly: there are countless words that describe things that don't actually exist.
Thank you
I didn’t know there was a community of people just like me until now. I feel validated in a way I never have before. I’m actually in tears.
Welcome to our community
SA3Future Yeah, welcome :D
Congratulations! Enjoy having found your tribe :) :) :)
@N C
Being afraid that you wont find someone else that feels attraction based on emotional connection is a rather legitimate fear, when your instincts are geared towards finding that one person you can connect fully with.
Most people have instincts urging them to get laid. Demis instead have instincts urging them to find a soulmate, seeing sexual intercourse with anyone other than such a soulmate as outlandishly gross.
@@vikingraven4758 that used to just be a thing people did why is this now a sexuality?
Yay! Demi visibility! Being demisexual can feel SO complicated sometimes especially when you're naturally inclined to having high libido despite not being sexually attracted to people that often. You also really get to know the difference between physical, sexual, sensual, and romantic attraction, because they're all different!
EXACTLY, I relate so much to this
The different attractions are fascinating to learn about! I discovered what sensual attraction was last week.
*Demi high five!*
@N C Your comment is mean, wrong, and completely unnecessary.
I FEEL VALIDATED ~ ❤
I am glad :)
Uhm...🏆?
hi
Me, too!!! 💚
fake shit
For guys this actually can lead to abandonment from male social groups. Happened to me at least. For many guys not being horny all the times is weird. I can't tell you how many labels have been attached to me just because I cannot be aroused by some stranger. Tnx a lot for the wonderful video. Now at least I know I don't have some sort of illness.
Yeah I've had to lie a few times in order to not think of me as an outsider
@@CaptainPIanet Spot on dude. Same here. That's hard to hide how we really feel.
The real question is why are you discussing how horny you are with your friends?
Something purely private and determined by your personal nature. Of course it's different from someone else.
Hell are you kids doing?
@@maxim30 , that's the toxic masculinity. There's also healthy masculinity which doesn't make men think they are only acceptable if they behave like emotionless (sex-) robots.
@@MajinSayon ok, here is some help. Stop listening to conventional BS. There is no "toxic masculinity".
Everyone thinks shit is new. It's not. There is not a damn thing new here.
It's called chauvanism. Not "toxic masculinity". Some even started calling it male chauvanism. Masculinity has shit to do with dominance or degenerate behavior or greed or barbaric behavior.
All of these folks are causing more harm than good.
My boyfriend was demisexual. He couldn't find desire to sleep with anyone... But I was one of the people he bonded with... But he was VERY sexually driven in our relationship and his libido was super active.
What do you mean "was"? That he's not demisexual anymore? Or are you just not together anymore?
@@peppymia you are interested Petrumila?
@@Sorcerer_Lynx I am curious. Not sure if I understood her comment correctly.
I'm also curious. :)
I think; but I can get wrong; she (or he maybe) want say he's not demisexual anymore and he's become a sex beast.
I think he just haven't find what attract him to select a sexual partner with or without (you XD) love.
Not going to lie, the whole notion of celebrity crushes has never made sense to me until right now. After having someone say it out loud it seems so clear why I've never had one but others might. I honestly thought celebrity crushes were just something that was in books and movies
Yes yes yes! I feel this so much. I’ve felt SO WEIRD my whole life when people would ask me about my “celebrity crushes”, because truth be told, I never had any! I’ve never ever felt any sort of attraction to a complete stranger or a celebrity. It’s like, this thing that so many people feel is just missing for me. And that’s okay!!
please forgive me for being intrusive, but do you have a lot of sexual desire, or 'lust' to begin with? do you relieve yourself of this feeling regularly? i ask this for i have a theory that there is a correlation between crush and satisfaction.
I only developed them after some imaginary hanging out. Also had a lot of crushes on my friends xD
I always replied with like "I would love to have dinner and a conversation with..." instead of sleeping with someone haha
tisseen schande no worries about being intrusive, but I don’t feel lust very often. I have to be in a very specific mood to feel any type of way truly haha.
Laurinda15 yes! Every relationship I’ve ever been in has started off as a close friendship...in fact, my long-term boyfriend currently I’ve known since the fourth grade! The idea of online dating or a blind date feels so unnatural to me.
Me! When I learned about this orientation in 2016 I cried and cried because I had finally found something that explains my orientation. I was outed in high school by my sister for kissing a girl, and my mom blow up. I was yelled at, threatened, almost kicked out of the house, taken out of school if I did not insist it was just a stupid stunt. So I re-closeted for 12 years. The main reason it was so hard to defend myself at 16 was because I wasn't sure what I was, was I Ace, was I Bi...I didn't know how to describe what I felt for my friends or the very few people I had crushes on. I didn't understand how people could feel sexual attraction, I thought that switch was just off for me, or wonky. But then I had a crush on a person for 6 years in my 20's and I definitely felt attracted to them sexually, but I didn't bring up the courage to ask them out because I could not tell if this was friend like, or like like, I just didn't accept it or understand it. So I began to ask questions again, and research again and that's when I found Sexplanations. And when I started reading about the ace spectrum, and virginity as a social construct. The sex positive educational content of this youtube channel helped me explore my sexuality again, this time in a safe, well informed, inclusive environment. I am so glad that you did such a good job explaining Demisexuality, Dr Lindsay. Thank you for being curious, and thank you for this channel.
I'm sorry you got such a shitty family :/
@@SonsOfLorgar they're better now. My older sister came out a few yrs ago and has been with her wife happily for a number of years so I have great role models!
Thank you for addressing this, Dr. Doe! I've seen too many people just say "um, isn't that how everybody works?" when people describe demisexuality. It's nice to have this video as a resource to point people towards.
❤️
Exactly! So many people think "Uh... but just because you don't have one might stands doesn't mean you have a different sexuality...???" but they confuse feelings with actions. It's also sadly a common argument used in the ace discourse (which I recommend not to visit if you haven't already, it's toxic af)
Who we are is clearly driven by our experiences particularly those very early in our lives, maybe too early to remember. when I was very young I was attracted to somebody physically but she turned out (rapidly) to be be not someone I liked at all, and from that moment on, subconsciously I realised that the emotional fit is more important than the purely physical aspect. So whether that counts as my choice or my nature - you have to decide
I'm aroace and I'm so glad that you're talking about this. Asexuality is rarely talked about and the spectrum even less so so I'm glad this video brings it to light.
I fit the definition of demisexual, but i dont want to label myself! It's nice to know my sexuality has a name if i choose to use it ♥
Exactly. I feel like we need to promote acceptance of diversity and not increased definitions that further separate people
Morogoth just saying maybe don’t use that word, it could be triggering for some people.
I think Ash themself made a great video on this sort of thing. Some people feel empowered by labels. Some prefer a lack of labels. Everyone is different.
When I first heard about demisexuality (about seven years ago), I didn't want to use that label. I just didn't see the need to label myself. It's only in the last year that I've started saying "demisexual" to refer to myself, and only because other labels (straight, bi, asexual) didn't feel right. Whether you choose to use a label or not is totally up to you. It may change over time, or may not. Do whatever feels right to you!
I feel the same way. I fit into being a demisexual, but I feel kind of uncomfortable with labeling myself. I also feel that if I use the word, people might look at me different.
I love it when you feature people from the communities you are talking about - you explain things very clearly, but these voices of lived experience help to put it into context!
And Ash is awesome
+
I'm actually so glad this video exists. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I was wrong, but I know what I feel.
You are definitely not wrong, and I believe you. I am sorry that you have had people invalidate your own experiences. I hope that you have/will have people in your life who believe and accept you.
Catch me crying because an educator I look up to just said words that I didn’t think anybody besides myself knew to describe part of my experience in my life. Sincerely, a demiromantic asexual.
I am glad that you were able to find this label. Welcome to the community
I'm so happy with this video. I've been labeling myself as heteroromantic demisexual for some years now :)
OMG! I'm so happy you made a video about this! I'm gonna bookmark it on my phone so I can send it to people instead of having to explain myself every time I meet someone new. Yay!!!
Omg! A video about me!! So cool, thanks so much for making it :)) it took me a long time to figure out why I felt this way and then even accept it once I learned the term!! I know this would've helped me and I'm glad it'll be out there for other ppl. Yay!
I've never felt attraction to strangers, never had a crush. I don't really understand people how people can get horny over someone they don't know... Sure, I might find see aesthetic features that pleases me, but it doesn't equal I want sex them. I'm being told I'm "pure" for wanting to be in a relationship only with someone I feel a strong bond with. But the more I search into the subject, the more I find myself thinking I might really be demisexual and not just shy or inexperienced.
Thank you for this video !
As someone who has experienced sexual assault and trauma, feeling safe with a person is imperative to me having consensual and enjoyable sex. I started identifying as demi to clarify with myself and with others my experience of attraction. I still think people are cute and crave physical intimacy, but don't feel comfortable engaging until I have formed a strong bond and developed trust. Thank you for always being open minded and acknowledging that attraction is a spectrum, not a point on a map.
I totally get it. Sexual attraction started "late" in life for me, but I clearly remember falling in love with someone (even pictured a happy marriage) and 'sexual' attraction not being there. It's hard for most people to understand, but totally real. I'm loving this channel. Great work 🙌
I figured this out in my 30’s after the end of my one and only relationship and it was such a relief! I do want a relationship in the future and my sex drive is normal (actually a bit high for my ex) but I hardly ever feel attraction, and almost never for someone I don’t know well. I honestly thought I was broken and would be forever alone. But turns out I just need a bit more time and understanding. 💜
My God!! You've discovered me!!! I'm a demiromantic! I'd rather be alone than in a partial relationship! I need emotional bonding before sex.
I'm 68 years old and find women in my age bracket want sex with too little attachment. Their fears of being stuck with a ageing male seem to be the greatest holdup.
YES omfg this is me; im panromatic demisexual and its so rare to get this kind of validation! thank you so much!
Panromantic demisexual here ^=^
Happy to see this video! I've been pondering for the last few years if demisexual is a label that I could apply to me. For most of my life I've been wondering if I'm bi/pan, and one of the things that makes that really hard to find out is people ask, "Well, do you get crushes on girls and guys?" And the answer is, "I don't really get crushes on most people!" I start to become attracted to someone pretty much only if I think it's extremely likely that we could become in a relationship - like, we've become friends and the other person has hinted or expressed interest in adding romance.
Mostly I just leave myself unlabelled (and currently happily engaged and monogamous!), but I did get a sense of relief when I realized that "demi bi" potentially fits me pretty well.
Thank you so much for making this video. I’ve been insecure about it for a while since a lot of my close friends are more sexual, but it feels great to be validated through this video and through the term that makes it easy to understand for others - and that it’s not a choice.
I knew a LONG time ago I was this way. This girl I kinda knew from a previous job and I went out to get drinks one night. We went back to her place and we started having sex. And I just could not get into it. This girl was pretty good looking but I just felt like I was playing a role. That visceral lust thing has just never been something of any value to me. I don’t want the person I’m intimate with to be some mere disposable one night stand thing and I would NEVER want to be seen as that in kind. I want that person to be my safe place to fall. To let my guard down and fully be myself with all of my vulnerabilities on full display. When you have the person you love laying next to you and they look into your eyes in a way that only your soul understands, that’s the only thing that has ever done it for me. And in many ways, I’m extraordinarily grateful for that.
Does anyone else totally not get one night stands?
My friends casually hookup with people like it's normal, but I seriously can't wrap my head around it.
(Not slut shaming. Consenting adults can do whatever they want.)
dangerouslysafe The idea of it horrifies me. Others can do it, but I would rather sleep on a bed of iron nails for the rest of my life.
I don't understand how you can be turned on why a stranger.
I don't get one night stands with strangers but I'm cool with it if it's a friend and we're most likely not sober. I think that means I'm demi.
@@wooyeah1738 Ikr, how can you be attracted to a guy based on his looks?? Who knows, he might be a serial killer on the inside😱
My boyfriend and I are demisexual! It's funny, because I didn't previously identify as acespec, but in the process of helping him figure out his own place on the ace spectrum, through doing research on demisexuality, I ended up resonating with it too, so we both ended up coming out to each other as demi xD
i'm so happy this video finally got made, i've been waiting for lindsey to talk about my community at length! I immediately shared this with my partner who is also demi and we both just felt so validated! thank you lindsey!
omg FINALLY! Thank you Dr. Doe I've been waiting for this video
Yup, it's more like the difference between a fulminate (explodes if you look at it funny)
And a fusion bomb (is basically inert until initiated by a fission reaction that in turn needs a two-stage conventional bomb to initiate it's own chain reaction)
(I'm more like a stable primary explosive myself, I get easily interested in almost anyone, but require social interaction to find out if my picture of those I'm interested in was accurate and/or if their true selves are still/more/uninteresting for any kind of continuation)
Thank you for this video. Over the past year, I've realized that heterosexual did not feel right to describe myself, but asexual didn't seem correct either. I have experienced sexual attraction, but not in the way other people describe. I've never been sexually attracted to someone when I first meet them/see a picture/etc. It took me YEARS to realize that the way I experience sexual attraction is not what society considers "normal". When I felt sexual attracted to someone for the first time, I thought "OH! That's what everyone means! I get it now!"
In addition, gender doesn't seem to matter; I could see myself being attracted to any gender, but only if there's an emotional connection first. For me, that's why demisexual fits better than hetero, gay, or bi. I understand why some people question the need for all these different labels, but when none of the existing labels fit or feel right, sometimes you just have to make your own labels.
For me personality is something central to my interest in the person. You can be beautiful and have a spectacular body, but it is the personality, the essence of the person, that makes the difference.
Yay!! Thank you for this!! So nice to see demisexuality getting more visibility!!! It really helped me when a friend introduced me to this orientation a few years ago so I could finally understand the differences between me and other people!
I just about jumped out of my chair when i saw the title. The asexual spectrum gets talked about and understood so little. I love you and THANK YOU. ❤
Dr. Doe does it again by informing the public what so many of us need expressed privately. I identify as demisexual and have Dr. Doe to thank for knowing that there is such a sexuality;. My labido is not switched off; it's simply very specific.
i'm incredibly appreciative of the fact that you included the difference between demisexuality and choosing not to have sex until you're in a relationship. my preferences are the latter, but i always thought that was considered demi, and now i know that's not it. thanks lindsay!!!
Personally, I don't like the idea of labeling things. It's a double edged sword that brings topics to into the open but also groups people into categories.
With that disclaimer said, this does seam to fill a hole in my thinking that I'm glad exists. I know I and a few friends who would fit into this category.
The strange and annoying thing to me is that this is the sexuality that society expects of woman but as a man, I've been missinturpreted as asexual if I ever tell someone that I just don't want to have sex with them.
Thx for the video. As you can tell, it's probably one of my favorites.
Suggest watching Evan Edingers video from her playlist. To me, he was preaching to the choir.
Are you sure it's a sword not a knife?
I understand what you mean, but I find that people easily forget that categories don't objectively exist on their own - they are tools that we create for our own organization and convenience. So if a category stops being useful to you, you can always invent or adopt a new one, or none.
Demisexuality is a bullshit term that describes what I've always called "normal". Sure, some other people fall into the "lack of self-control" / "one-track mind" / "sex-crazed" spectrum. But that's their problem.
ACE HYPE!
Thank you so much for covering us! I have never been so excited to watch a video before!
wow i didnt know there was a word to express what i feel...
i always ran into problems in dating and even committed long term relationships bc it’s very rare for me to feel sexual attraction to someone... and it takes a lot a lot of love and trust and comfort with someone before i feel an inkling of something... and even then, it’s not like once the switch turns on, it stays on. the next few weeks or months, i may not feel sexual attraction to my partner at all... it’s kind of frustrating bc partners have a lot of expectations, especially after youve expressed sexual attraction once, they expect it for all future situations...
and i always felt left out of friend chats when they talked about who was hot in class or who wanted to hook up with whom bc i couldnt fundamentally relate to those topics...
i dont even see people as attractive or not until ive formed a really deep bond with them and they provoke me by asking me to form an opinion of their attractiveness...
otherwise, i could be talking to a man or woman or a highly intelligent machine. it’s the same neutral feeling to me...
i didnt know that there’s a word that can summarize this experience
emfishi there is a word for it and there are other people who get it. I’m so glad that you are able to describe your feelings now ❤️
It makes me so happy to hear you talk about the Ace spectrum! Nobody ever talks about us. ;w;
Thank you for this! I and maybe my partner are both grey-ace and pansexual. I'm demi, and they're... somewhere in the gray zone. They're not exactly sure where. But there's so little talk about people like us; we're expected to be either "good asexuals" or allosexual, but it's not a binary!
Our world is so diverse and wild! That experience is so incredibly opposite to my own that I wouldn't have even really considered it without being educated about it.
Wow. I never thought about it this way. I have never been able to explain why other people get aroused about celebrities. Or in the workplace. Or in a whole host of situations where one's libido doesn't apply. Thank you Dr. Doe, I think I learned something about myself today. By the by, your hair is extra cute in this video.
Gosh, I feel accepted. People say lables are dumb and I kid of agree and if we could do without them that would be great, but in this world we need terms to sumarized what we are talking about and to adress stuff. It's just great to know (even though I knew but maybe didn't fully believe it) that I'm normal and further more, that I can be whatever I am, no matter what that is, because normal is something we all are and it's not negative. Thank you for this video and for all the content you make in general.
As an ace spec: This was a really good video, used all the prefered terms and great explanation. Thank you!!
I love that this exists! I don't talk about the intricacies of my sexuality often because I'm a private person, and it's something I prefer to share mainly with people for whom it is potentially relevant, but it would be nice if, when those conversations do arise, the terminology was recognized and understood. I've spoken with a couple of people who were just completely baffled by what demisexuality is, and how it differs from choosing not to engage in sex with people until certain criteria (x number of months, x amount of trust, etc) are met. It's not a choice, it's just a straight-up lack of sexual attraction to people- even those I can clearly recognize as being "attractive"- unless I personally feel some sort of emotional attachment to them. Once that sexual desire arises, I'm not "prudish" at all- in fact, I love sex! It's just that my desire for sex isn't triggered by things that a lot of people consider "normal" (ie: physical appearance, fluttery feelings of desire upon meeting/seeing someone). 2:44-3:00 is a great description of what the experience of demisexuality is like- thanks so much for making this!
This episode makes me SO HAPPY!! I've been following this channel since the very beginning and no video has reflected me more than this one! Thank you Dr. Doe and all the lovely demi and ace people who made it happen! I didn't have a name for this orientation until I was *35 years old*. I thought I was broken for years, that I was weird for needing an emotional bond before some attractions. I was 10 years old and couldn't relate to my classmates because I didn't understand what they meant when they asked me who I thought the cutest boy in school was. It was so confusing! Thank you for making us more validated and visible!
Thank you for this!!! Biromantic demisexual here who gets erased from the community so easily! And most people I've met don't know what this is!
Irene Burton I’m a biromantic demisexual too!
Im homoromantic demisexual. Its so nice to see people talking about this because its so often overlooked. For so long i thought i was broken or something was wrong with me before i discovered demisexuality. Its nice to feel validated ❤
@N C wow you seem like a lovely person. Internal validation is one thing and its great! Its really important. But sometimes its also nice for others to acknowledge you exist. That you arent invisible or the only one. External validation can be a real turning point especially when first discovering yourself. Seeing other people like you and talking about your experiences isnt a bad thing. Telling people external validation is somehow bad and telling them to "wake the fuck up" is harsh to say the VERY least. Sometimes with lesser known identities or lesser accepted ones, people acknowledging your identity or even just talking about it can lead to internal validation. Especially with young people who are different from people around them,external validation can be extremely important. I wouldnt be so quick to bash it. If you came out of the womb full of internal validation, good for you, but it doesnt come so easily for everyone. Have a bit of respect for individual experiences. Have a little empathy.
Thank you for making this video. I am demi and I didn't know that other people felt the way I did until a year ago when I was 29 and I was doing research to learn more about my partner's transness. I was so happy to learn that I am not the only person who experiences sexual attraction the way I do. I LOVE being demi!!! Thanks for telling the world about us!
Diversity is a beautiful thing.
Demisexuality is not "diverse". It's a bullshit term that describes what I've always called "normal". Sure, some other people fall into the "lack of self-control" / "one-track mind" / "sex-crazed" spectrum. But that's their problem.
2:24 - 3:06 having standards or not, or having preferences are still things we didn't strictly choose to have. For example, think of musical preferences, did you choose to like the music you enjoy or did you simply like it when you listened to it. Likewise for just about any other thing we commonly think we choose when looked at more deeply we find there was little choice involved. Determinism, free will and their compatibility is a long running debate with no clear conclusion to date. What is clear, however, is that many people think we have more freedom than we likely actually do and thus speaking of sexual orientations as preferences seems to have tainted people's expectations of others.
I feel so validated!!! Thank you so much! No one knows this exists and it’s so frustrating when they don’t believe it’s real
As a demisexual person, I appreciate this so much and relate with the people who spoke here. A lot of people don't understand what it is or what its like.
As you said, it isn't a choice, its who we are as people. We just don't experience that attraction unless the bond is there, or under the right circumstances. For me, I need that bond. And still I may not feel the attraction.
Again, thank you! This is amazing!!
THANK U FOR POINTING THIS OUT ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️I found out I was Demi about a year or two ago now whenever someone doesn’t understand I can just send them this vid 🥰🥰🥰🥰
It's nice to see a video like this, because often, as a demisexual, I wonder if my identity is even valid at all, especially within the scope of the LGBTQIA+ community (there are so many people who think that asexuality in general should not be considered a part of the community, especially if the person also identifies as heteroromantic). I know that it helps me to feel less out of place within the community, and it's great to see other people who are like me. Thank you for this video!
Your identity is absolutely and completely valid. There is definitely a place for you within this community.
Your identity is valid!... coming from someone who thinks it doesn't make much sense^^
There's a huge difference between having concerns and saying an identity isn't "valid", I mean you chose it so it is valid, that's all! Exceptions to this are when it overcomes logic and the real world, like otherkins, certainly not demis, whatever you think of it, otherwise that's being a bigot.
Cool! I didn't know about demisexuality : ) I love gaining awareness on diversity
Is it wrong to want to experiment with same sex
Thank you so much for this. Loved the talk about compound orientations, demiheteroflexiblesexual and demipanromantic so they are very important to me. It took me years to fully accept myself as aspec, and it was only because of compound orientations and the split attraction model.
My demisexual heart nearly fangirl screamed when I saw this in my notifications. Thank you so much for talking about this! ❤️ It’s weird to say, but it’s nice to be acknowledged
as a legitimate sexuality and not just labelled as a prude or being scared of sex. 💜🖤
You describe being demi so well! As a demisexual, I have found it very difficult to describe to people how being demi works, because if your not demi it can be a difficult concept to grasp.
Thank you very much for making this video!
I'm an ambivert antisocial leaning person with a demisexuality for context. Growing up I've noticed people become increasingly physically attractive when experiencing a strong bond which for me personally is rather difficult to achieve which I always found somewhat odd. Friends might often say things as most guys do like, "check out her ass" or "isn't she hot" and I would simply shrug as people just appeared more like trees when walking through a forest.
I'm sure this may stem from a subconscious immense distrust in people from an abundance of cultural dishonesty but could be a many of factors as well. Interesting topic just thought I'd share my experiences, you always make great videos.
Does that make you a Demi(heh)god? xD ahahahahha
Yaaaaaaaay! I've been waiting for this video
Thank you so much. For so long I've felt secluded and invalidated because not many people take Demi as a real sexuality. Seeing a video on it really makes me feel important. So thank you so much Dr Doe. This is something I needed to see amongst dealing with some sexuality problems with my libido with my partner currently. It reminds me that yes I need the emotional connection and yes even if some issues have caused that to disapate slightly lately, I'm still Demi. It reminds me that I need to build back my emotional trust of my partner for him to get the sexual side of the relationship he would like back. Thank you. Thank you.
people thought I was gay because I wasnt interested in making a move on any girl in our groups of friends. I was always sorta friend zoned... because I was always just making friends instead of making moves. I was fine w/ it. I didnt need the strange/awkward relationships and breakups that followed that split my friends into apposing groups. Seemed such a hassle when I could take care of my own "needs" w/ no stress and no hangups and no guilt for not really liking the person or knowing how to really BE attracted to someone else....or show it properly for others to see... IDK but I think its fits. Ive always just said I have a low libido... its simpler than explaining Im a wanker and people are a hassle. glad I found a girl that fits into whatever it is that I am. Didnt think it would happen but it did. glad I wasnt trapped in some relationship I felt forced to be in by pressures that made me miss the opportunity that i found.
So this is the category I fit into. I never knew this existed. It feels weirdly and awesomely validating
For a few years I’ve identified as demisexual, but recently I’d been questioning the ‘label’ as I didn’t feel like it fit quite right. Watching this video really validated me and gave me the vocabulary to describe my very specific patterns of attraction. It’s freeing to be able to claim that as a part of my identity and to be able to use my new knowledge of these orientations to add to my knowledge of myself. Thank you so much Dr. Doe. Watching your videos as well as listening to the Sexplanations podcast has given me so much more awesome information, and always leaves me wanting more.
Love the curls
Me too, it's a great do
@TheMalishious I tell my son puns are the lowest forms of comedy next to knock knock jokes and Dane Cook, but ha ha yes you could.
Thank you for this. It's always good to have material to refer people to when they ask questions and you're not sure you're able to give a correct answer or a well worded one.
When I was looking for what label I could fit under, I'd come across demi and I'd found it interesting. Alas, it's not me.
It's not like not having a label I could pin on myself is keeping me from living my life or knowing who I am, but it feels nice to have a name to put to something. It makes you feel like you're not alone, because if there's a name, you're not unique. There has to be a bunch of people like you. And you could find them, or read about them, and have a word to give to people that say they're confused about you.
This is what I'm seeing in the comments on this video. Relief. Curiosity. Happiness at the recognition. It's pretty cool. So again, thank you. :)
PS: still haven't found the word for me. So for now I say I swim in Grey A, for a lack of a more precise term.
Thank Dr. Doe for more validating, well presented info. Keep up the great work!
I've found the best way to explain it to allosexuals is saying, "Have you ever seen a random stranger on the street and thought 'I could have sex with that person', I have never experienced that."
It's a pretty basic way of explaining it but it seems to work for everyone I've discussed this with so far :)
Nice example!
My example: "You probably have an answer to 'What Celebrity would you bang if you could?' I don't."
To be honest though, even someone like me who basically ask that silent question to myself about most people within my preferred age span I happen to see, it should be obvious that other people have different mental wiring.
That said, I would never impose those thoughts on someone I find interesting by catcalling or any other form of unsolicited and thus rude attempt att drawing attention in public.
@@dylangold3854 ahhh yes, that's another good one!
I am not demisexual, but it's great to see so many comments from those that are or relate to demisexuality and asexuality. By speaking up at opportunities like this, it helps other people see how truly diverse the world is ("real people commenting?"), and helps remove the historic stigma of inherent traits that that those without those traits (or haven't experienced those situations, thoughts or emotions) aren't yet comfortable with.
Awesome getting clips of people to represent the topic! You should try for that more often! Sometimes people dismiss groups because they haven't met anyone in it or don't believe people like that exist. It's really beneficial!
Wow, this came out right as I started delving into this more! I'd had a hunch I was demi but didn't know too much. This definitely makes me feel more validated.
Congratulations, Captain. We're proud of you :)
As a repressed extrovert, I always assumed that when women caught my eye that was equivalent to what my peers referred to as "checking out" and I just had different tastes. But I think now that it's actually my extroversion saying "they're a cool/interesting/different person - make friends!". I never understood celebrity crushes and stereotypically attractive people don't demand a second look from me.
THANK YOU for clarifying that demisexuality is not the same as 'having standards'. A friend once said to me, "I totally get that! like, I'll be hooking up with someone and they do something gross and it's a total turnoff and then I stop hooking up with them." For me, as a demisexual, the hookup, or even the concept of hooking up, does not enter my mind. It does not occur to me in the first place. It's not just 'getting turned off by something.' So thank you for explaining the difference Dr. Doe!
Yeah, it's more like having the romantic and/or sexual equivalent startup sequence to a brand new prototype nuclear reactor as far as I interpret it.
I have fallen down a hole on your channel. I’m learning so much, thank you. Thank you for being open and unapologetic about all of this. This is what everyone needs!!!
Almost no one talks about my sexuality so this is the nicest thing 😭
THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS. I've had people say things like: "oh so like the star's align" or simply not understand.
I feel relieved that Dr doe made a video about this because I have found that no one knows what it is
You are not alone, there are so many other people out there like us. The Asexuality spectrum is so underrepresented/acknowledged and people just don't really know about it unless they search it out. Hopefully, with videos like this and more ways of spreading information about our community we can keep educating people and becoming more visible.
@@AmericanGirl7212 exactly
What's the difference between someone who is demi and someone who just feels social anxiety in potentially sexual/romantic situations, until a large reservoir of trust and emotional connection has been established ?
Good question, I hope she spots it :)
Frank McManus i would say the difference is that the socially anxious person would still be attracted to the other person for a long time, but be too nervous to act on it before trust is established. Whereas the demisexual person wouldn't be sexually attracted until after the trust is established. The outcome might look the same but it's about when the person started being interested in a relationship not when it actually happened.
@@Atra_Atrox Thanks for the response. I asked the question because of my own experience: a lot of anxiety about relationships together with no interest in one-night stands and the like. Your response makes me realize I'm not even clear what is meant by "sexual attraction" -- it can be something I think about or fantasize about when I'm alone, but it takes a lot of work for it to become something I'm able to act on in the presence of a man or woman (or enby etc. I guess) I might be getting close to. It seems like the definition of "demisexual" has a lot of wiggle room.
Frank McManus
That is the beauty of the Ace spectrum. It is complicated. Yes Demi sexuality has “wiggle room” yes there are Demi sexual with anxiety problems. I am one of them. But anxiety problems that interfere with labeto or relationship initiation is not the same as demisexuality.
A normal human being with an average ego
I am definitely demisexual. I remember the first time I felt sexual attraction was with this guy who I had been friends with for a few months. One night we were talking about some stuff and as the conversation went along the desire to kiss him grew very strong. I didn't because of were we were but it was really intense in a way I had never felt before.
This is me! Thank you, Dr Doe! 🖤
I see many comments on these videos of people who found their word; what really, truly describes them.
I'm happy to say, I've found mine!
Keep up the great work miss Doe!
Great video about an important topic as always! 💜
And also: Wow! Your hair is amazing!
I've been waiting for this!!!!!
Seeing this in my notifications made me so happy and validated
I love how you explain the relationships between the different labels and definitions that we have.
I’m demisexual! Thank u so much..
I don't know what that is like, but I imagine it wouldn't be bad at all, for example I could probably have a normal conversation with a hot girl I just met without wanting to rip her clothes off and having to constantly restrain myself from staring.
I feel so happy that you made this!!! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES DR.DOE!!!!!
Thank you for putting into words what I felt for years but couldnt make sense of. I never really had crushes-celebrity or otherwise, growing up, and the idea of kissing somebody you literally just met at a bar or nightclub or whatever just didn’t make sense to me, and icked me out if I’m honest
Thanks for the video Lindsey.
So glad to see this talked about! I feel validated!
This is so validating! As someone who regularly watches sexplanations and realized I was demi fairly recently, I really appreciate this video. It also gave me tools to help explain demisexuality to others. Also, I had no idea we had a flag... hyped! Thank you!
Thanks for making more visibility for demisexual people! Your hair looks cute curly too💖
Yesss it was especially upon me becoming a adult and being frowned at for not EVER just hooking up with people, that I began to realize that I don’t feel the same way as everyone else. So when I learned about Demisexuality everything suddenly made SO MUCH SENSE!!!! Definitely going to finally begin to explain it to my boyfriend. I have always been able to recognize when a guy is physically attractive but I could never imagine myself having sex with a guy I don’t know or have a emotional connection with. I have just never had the desire but I attributed me staying a virgin till college to trauma
I actually found out about demisexuality through Evan Edinger’s video. I have quite a few demisexual friends who I knew before ever finding the term. We thought something was wrong with us because despite really liking a person we weren’t able to engage in a sexual relationship with that person until we felt there was an emotional connection. For me it was almost a dormant feeling until someone tried to kiss me or suggest sex before that emotional bond existed and my body (and mind) just put up natural walls. It was comforting to find a community in my friend circle to share in those experiences and validate those feelings (as some people suggest to just get over it), and also to find one online. Thank you very much Dr. Doe for opening up the conversation for a lot more people, and create something I can share with people when needed.
(If you got to the end of this, sorry for that extremely long comment)
I’m so happy to see this. I’ve been hoping you would cover demisexuality.
thank you so much, this means the world to me